Holy Passed Hors D'Oeuvers, Batman! (Initial thoughts on wedding caterers.)

The thought:
"Shoot they're expensive!"

The rundown:
I didn't really believe that such a thing as a "Wedding Surcharge" existed but I am beginning to understand. A conversation with a coworker today about two different caterers led to this comment: "It makes me wonder what Caterer B is cutting from the budget to claim they're affordable." This got me to thinking and my response is - I wonder how caterers think they can get away with raping the living crap out of my wallet for a 5 hour event.

The quote I recently received from Caterer A made me cry and then pass out a little. Since this is just the initial, very rough pass, I will not give all the details, but let me just say that to feed and seat 250 guests I could almost get another 2008 Honda Element. Luckily, we're not expecting that many people but still...it came out to around ~$60/person. That's more than Math and I usually pay for the two of us to go out on the town!

So what's my problem with ~$60/head? You might ask. Well, here's the who, what, when, where, why and how of my catering woes.

-Who... needs 8 large cheese trays @ $110.00 a pop? How much cheese can (most) people really eat? And for that amount of money there'd better be a nice gouda and a fine 20-year cheddar on there. But honestly, who cares if it is 20-year cheddar or King Stoopids brand? One thing I've learned from all these potlucks is that people will stuff into their face anything you put in front of them. And another thing...Running out of food is good b/c then ppl don't complain that they've eaten too much! =P

Gimme somma that smoked gouda, I tell ya!

- What?... 1,000 napkins for 250 guests? That's 4 napkins/person - if you're that much of a slob, why not wear a bib? And at $0.05/napkin it sure adds up. (Certainly napkins must bee cheaper than that. Here's proof!) But seriously...ONE THOUSAND?! (ok...that actually makes sense but it's the $50 for 1k that really gets me).

Now THIS I'd pay 5¢ for!

- When...did someone make the rule that you need wine glasses, champagne glasses, high ball glasses and (yes) Zombi glasses? Etiquette schmetiquette. Drink your wine from a paper cup and shut up.

5 points to anyone who can name all these (no cheating internet peeps).

- Where...does a caterer get off charging $1-$3 per individual hor d'oeuver (singular?)? I've been to The Med for Happy Hour, you can usually get 3 -5 pieces for a couple dollars. Food can't be that expensive. I KNOW it's at a larger scale, but still - provide them by 3s or 5s then, geeze guys. >_<

See? They're tiny!

- Why...should we pay $14 - $19 per tablecloth? Are they silk? (I seriously doubt it). Aren't they just going to get food on them anyway? I mean, all you really want to do is cover up an ugly/boring table. I can probably do that for a few dollars with a 40% off JoAnn coupon.

$15 dollars for this?

- How... can a bag of ice cost $5.50? Is it a 20lb bag? And then, do we really need 20 of them? That's 400lbs of ice for 250 guests. Really?

Can I just bring this to the wedding? Or is that too Bridezilla?

 
- And a bonus: "Holy Delivery Charges, Batman! They want us to pay almost $400 to pickup and drop off the rental stuff on top of the probably inflated cost of the items themselves. Jeepers!"

Anybody who is not shocked and horrified by these numbers is either a). wealthy or frivolous, b). lazy or  c). blinded and brainwashed by the wedding industry into thinking "Oh it's your special day so LOGIC and REASON need not apply!"

What's sad is in comparing caterers, I have found myself thinking, "Oh this caterer has its own rental equipment, ooh goody!" Or "They don't have to hire outside servers? BONUS!" When I should be excited about things like menu customization, local food and sustainable practice. But no, I care about the %*^*@$ rental equipment...probably the MOST BORING AND UNREMARKABLE part about a wedding. Has any normal, sane, middle-class human in the history of weddings ever said "Oh, her plates were just plain white...well, she must have no taste."? (I am excluding the chi-chi, high-society rich people who spend their lives showing all their other rich friends how they can spend more money).

But Chairs? HELLZ NO! o.O

Maybe I'll just hire one of these guys to set up on the street?

Wedding Guest Etiquette (Wedding Guestiquette)

Hello Everyone,

The other day, we were watching The Office's list of fake PSA's and there were a couple wedding-related ones in there. For Example:

"If you receive a wedding invite, put it in a safe place, it has all the information on it you will ever need. This way, you do not need to call the bride up on the day of her wedding to ask time or location."

Lately I've been witnessing in person some wedding-related drama that really needs to be expressed to the masses. So this post is going to be a little chat about etiquette or the appropriate way to act before,during and after a wedding.

This groom kinda looks like Gob from Arrested Development.

Before: When a couple gets engaged, they pretty much have decided that they want to spend the rest their lives together and while a lot of these decisions are rescinded later, it is not the public's job to do so. If the bride and groom invite you to their wedding, it means they like you. At this point, if you have something negative to say about either the bride or the groom, whether you're friends, family or complete strangers please just keep it to yourself. If it's a really big personal deal to you then just DON'T GO TO THE WEDDING. The worst thing you can do is go to someone's celebration of joy and union bitching about them all the way.  And, it doesn't matter if you're bitching about the "other" half of the couple because the whole point of marriage and thus, a wedding, is to unite two into one. Pretty much: love me, love my spouse. Or conversely: insult my spouse, insult me. Think about insensitivity here.

Now, if you really believe that your negativity is founded in rationality and logic, then by all means voice your concerns, but bring them to the bride or groom in person and a good amount of time before the wedding. If they love and respect you enough to want to include you in their celebration, they will at least listen to your logical points even if they stand their ground. Think about your own wedding, would you want someone to attend if they were too spineless do that and instead insulted your "other" half to mutual friends or family?

Snark Bugs - we want none of these.

During: Don't bitch about the wedding. Don't complain that the bar only serves wine and beer or that the speeches are taking too long. Don't evaluate how the bride looks in her wedding dress and don't play food critic with the buffet.  Don't talk about people you don't like whether they are in attendance or not. There will be plenty of time to go through the nitty gritty later, when you are relaxing in your hotel room with your own spouse, significant other or escort. You don't want to bring your bad vibes or your personal baggage into a consecrated place of union. And c'mon people, it's a party not a Desperate Housewives premiere.

Instead, while you're in the thick of the celebration just smile and nod and clap and tell everyone that "they look lovely (or for men, handsome, dapper and debonaire are some of my favs.)". Dance and drink and eat and exchange pleasantries until the cows come home or until you are all so drunk that you forget your animosity. Respect that the bride and groom (probably mostly the bride) has put her heart and soul into giving you 200 guests 5 hours of worry-free happiness. Even if her(/his) choices are not your choices just remember - there will be times in all your lives when you will be able to personalize something special and then you can shine.

After: You may think that this is a good time to unleash the floodgates of your critique - to say everything that you've been storing up over the past twenty-four hours. But before you start that, why not relate the funny and slightly embarrassing but endearing moments of the night first? Like the time when a wedding guest slipped on the brides train, or how much cake frosting got in the ears, eyes and nose of the groom and how little got in his actual mouth. Or maybe someone just acted plain goofy in the spirit of celebration. Remembering the fun parts will almost surely push some of those bitchy little snark bugs right from your mind.

Yes, you can comment on what worked and what didn't (though I would refrain from telling this to the bride and groom unless specifically asked). If you are an unwed person woman, then you might be taking inspiration from the wedding and trying to think of how you would do it more to your liking. If you were a guest want to get annoyed at something that happened, then fine...everyone has their bad days but don't....

Criticize the personality of the bride and groom. You had your chance at the part where they say "If anyone has any reason why these people should not get married, stand up now." They are now stuck with each other and the only people that can break them up are themselves. Just keep saying "congrats" and "best of luck" and "we love you". You have years to figure out if one of the members of the couple is really worthy of your scorn.So save it and just be happy for them. You'd want them to do the same for you.

And think of warm brownies.

Yum...just plain yum!